Sometimes ....

trigger warning - mentions suicide

It all gets a bit much. Sometimes.

I remember years ago. Way before I did all the healing I have over the past five years or so. It would get 'too much' and I'd disengage from life till it wasn't too much anymore.

I'd hide. But I'd be in plain sight.

I'd drink too much. I'd do anything I could to take me out of the 'meh' and into feeling something. Just anything. I'd go out and meet up with people that definitely didn't have my best interests at heart.

I'd like to say this was before kids, and most of it was. But there was the odd time after having my eldest two that I was so desperately unhappy, felt so unloved and unwanted, self destruct mode was most definitely my default.

Then I'd crash.

The 'meh' was waaaaay more than just a rubbish emoji. It was desperate, gut wrenching and heart breaking loneliness. Even in a room full of people.

And I wonder to this day how I made it through some of my worse times.

Then I remember that I did. I made it. I'm here.

Some don't get that luxury.

My eldest daughter asked me the other day if I found someone that had attempted to 'unalive' themselves, would I help them or let them die.

I mean, it's the ultimate question in compassion isn't it? I remember when I studied theology and ethics at college I wrote a paper about both sides of the coin. Because there are two sides to this quandry. And I've been on both.

In my line of work you don't sail through mental health scott free. You don't see the healed, fixed parts without being present for the broken, self loathing hurt and hatred. I've found a few people over the years that had taken serious steps to no longer be here. Each one asked me to let them die. It was their wish and ultimate goal. In that moment.

Some plan. They're fixated on making sure the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted.

Others are spontaneous. Sometimes under the influence, but not always.

Every single one reaching that breaking point. For whatever reason, believing the world would be somehow better without them in it.

I didn't let the ones I saw go. They hated me for it. Some for a long time after. I was unable to continue working with one patient as they wanted to harm me for not letting them get their way.

But every single one of them came through that pain. They were able to reach the other side. They forgave themselves, as well as me and found, in their own little way, things that light them up and give them joy. They're thriving. And living.

With the right help and with the right healing steps, things ALWAYS get better.

What would your answer to my daughter's question be?

✨ Prescribing Peace & Power, with loadsa love, from Paula x